How to decide whether to move to a new city
To decide whether to move to a new city, check whether you're moving toward something or only away, visit in its worst month, list exactly what you'd give up, expect friendships to take months to build, and write down beforehand what would show it was the wrong move.
- Are you moving toward something, or only away?
- Visit in the worst month, not on holiday.
- List exactly who and what you would give up.
- Expect new friendships to take many months to build.
- Write down what would show it was the wrong move.
Deciding whether to move to a new city means weighing a concrete reason to go against losses that are easy to underestimate: friends, routines and local knowledge. Building new friendships takes time; University of Kansas research by Jeffrey Hall estimated roughly 50 hours together to become casual friends and over 200 hours to become close friends. Visiting in the city's worst season and setting criteria for judging the move later both make the decision more honest.
You've been thinking about moving for months. What you'd give up is invisible until it's gone, and what you'd gain is hypothetical until you're there. These steps help account for both.
How do you know if moving to a new city is the right decision?
There are two kinds of moves. Moving toward something — a job, a person, a community, a real opportunity — gives you something concrete that pulls you forward. Moving away from something — a bad relationship, a stale routine, a generalized dissatisfaction — is riskier, because the dissatisfaction can move with you. Be honest about which kind of move this is. The away-from moves often need a different solution than relocation.
When should you visit a city before moving there?
Most people scout a city in nice weather, on a vacation schedule, eating dinner at the best restaurants. Then they move in February and discover the place is wet, dark, and dead from December to March. If you are seriously considering a city, visit in its worst month. If you can imagine a normal Tuesday in that month, in your apartment, with your normal routines, and still want to live there — that is a real signal. Loving a place on vacation is not the same as living in it.
What do you give up when you move to a new city?
Make a specific list. Not 'my friends' but the four people you would actually miss seeing. Not 'my routines' but the coffee shop, the gym, the walking route, the colleague who always texts on Tuesdays. Most of what makes a place home is invisible until you write it down. The list is sobering. It does not necessarily change the decision, but it changes how much loss you are budgeting for, which determines how much support you should plan for in the new place.
How long does it take to feel at home in a new city?
Longer than most people plan for. Feeling at home usually means having people you can call at the last minute, a doctor and a mechanic you trust, and a sense of which neighborhoods are which, and each of those takes repeated time. Jeffrey Hall's research at the University of Kansas estimated that it takes about 50 hours together to move from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 to become friends, and more than 200 to become close friends. At a few hours a week, that's many months. The first weeks can be exciting; a lonely stretch after that is common and doesn't by itself mean the move was wrong. Knowing this in advance makes it easier to plan regular, repeated contact with the same people, which is how those hours add up.
How do you know if moving was a mistake?
Before you go, write down what would tell you, a year in, that the move was a mistake. 'I have not made any friends.' 'I am still flying back twice a month.' 'I am unhappier than I was before.' This gives you a check-in that is not just a vibe. Without it, you will either declare the move a success out of stubbornness, or call it a failure during a bad week. Predefined criteria make the year-one review honest in a way that on-the-fly evaluation cannot.
See the road not taken.
Which Life? doesn't list pros and cons — describe staying and describe going, and it writes a vivid 'day in the life' for each, a plausible Tuesday set in each city, so your gut reacts before your brain does.
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